Yeah baby! The time has come! I have no idea why I said that, but I did, so Mazel tov. In previous movies I have talked about, they were made and released in the 1980’s, but there are also really good movies that were forgotten that were actually released in this century. There are a great deal of movies that could be on that list, but the one I want to talk to you about is, Austin Powers: The International Man of Mystery.

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I must apologize, my dear reader, for how much cheesiness I continue to spread on these posts. It’s not my fault that some good movies are just cheesy, but it is probably why I like them so much. Get it, because I’m from Wisconsin. HA! I promise that the title is the chesseyest (is that even a word?) thing about the movie. Now that you know my lying face let’s continue with the post.

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery is about a secret agent from the 1960s in London, England who is cryogenically preserved and then revived in the present day, aka the early 1990s. Austin, the secret agent, realizing that his fashion, attitude, and vocabulary are essentially out-of-date. But, to help him with this change in scenery, he is partnered with a modern-day woman named Vanessa. Now, they must do everything in their power to try and defeat Austin’s old foe, Dr. Evil. Essentially, the plot is a psychedelic version of a James Bond or 007 movies.

In this film, it is filled to the brim with humor, Mike Myers, romance, Mike Myers, action/adventure, Mike Myers, and a good old fashioned good vs evil plot. Oh, and did I mention Mike Myers is in it? Yes, our onion-like friend plays not just one character but two. He plays the notorious Dr. Evil and the Man of Mystery himself, Austin Powers. The lucky lady who plays Vanessa is none other than Elizabeth Hurley. There is also Seth Green and Will Ferrell in it as well.

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Okay *cracks knuckles* time to get down and dirty. Let’s start with the Cons, of the pros and cons list. The first thing I’m going to mention is that there are jokes that could be considered ‘inappropriate’ in today’s climate. For instance, there are dirty jokes and the main character just straight up asks someone to shag with him. If you don’t know what shag means, well, let’s just say its the baby-making process. NOTE: THERE IS NO NUDITY! THIS IS MADE TO BE A FAMILY FRIENDLY FILM! But, even though it is bad in certain aspects, they even explain that it wrong and you should go asking people that. The 1960s was a different place, especially the 1960’s in London, England. Besides the crude humor, there isn’t much more for the con side of things.

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This film is generally a good film that anyone can watch, maybe not the younger half of society, but what the heck. Also, if you liked this film there are two more additions to the Austin Powers franchise. “Austin Powers and the Spy who Shagged Me” and “Austin Powers and Goldmember,” I promise you that it’s more cheesy and has even more inuendos. Until next time my dudes. (Welp, I felt like a YouTuber with that last sentence. Hehe.)

“The pendulum swings between Light and Darkness”
– Brandon Mull

The days of fairy tales we were told as children will be brought back to like in this next installation of The Forgotten Classics. The film that I will be referring to is called Legend. Yes, another one word title movie.

This fantasy film from 1985 is about Darkness wanting to make the universe be engulfed in eternal night by destroying the last of the unicorns. Jack and his friends must go out of their way to keep the unicorn safe and keep Princess Lili out of reach of Darkness. I promise you, it is as cheesy as it sounds. Lets just say, someone defiantly cut the cheese with this film. Funny joke, right? That made no sense, but I just really wanted to say someone cut the cheese.

First off, the movie may be cheesy, like really cheesy, but it is actually pretty good. (That is coming from a person that turned off The Notebook because of the beginning movie theater scene. That scene, hurt me a little bit on the inside.)

Back to the topic at hand, Legend has a cast of few stars like Tom Cruise and Tim Curry. I promise you, there is no gun shooting, bomb threats, or a high stake situations that people are use to seeing with Tom Cruise movies. Instead, there is a high level of, dare I say it, romance in the film. I swear I would die if they put any more “with the power of love” lines in to the film. I’m not saying its a bad movie because there are little hearts dancing around the plot the entire time, but it can get old really fast.

To counter act with the love that’s in the air, there is a sense of light and darkness with in the movie. Good thing too, because one of the characters is actually named, ahem, Darkness. But within those elements of light vs. dark, there are the ever living thing called friendship, loyalty, betrayal, and the realization of the placement of darkness in all of us. There are light hearted themes throughout the film along with the heavy themes as well, like in some films you might see in theaters today.

With some recognizable films, they were awarded with some number of a vast variety of awards. (Say that five times fast.) Well, Legend was awarded Grammy Award for Best Music Film for the featured song “Loved by the Sun” by Tangerine Dream. With a smooth and rich sound, its easy to see why they included this song to the film and why it was recognized.

DING DING DING! The time has finally arrived to tell you why this movie was shipped out to sea and never be SEAn again. (I tried to make an obvious pun, but its weird if you can’t hear me say it. It physically pained me to write the incorrect seen. I apologize.) Well, lets start with what I hint out in the title of this little text post. Tom Cruise’s thighs. It seems odd but stay with me guys/gals/ they/them/ whatever pronoun you identify as. If you don’t pay attention to the camera angles they use, you might miss it. It seems that each time that Jack (Cruise) has a scene, it always starts from the back and it seems to focus on the lower half of Jack. It’s weird, watch the movie just so you understand what I am explaining. It is so strange.

There is a bit of an obvious reason for this next bit. The costume design of Darkness. As you can tell by the poster, Darkness is some what like a depiction of Satan/ the Devil. It wasn’t originally was suppose to be that but over the pre-production stage of the film it kind of just became a thing. All things considered, it’s Tom Curry, I don’t know. I just know is that the entire Darkness costume was prosthetic meaning that is all fake. So, I’ll just start us off on a big round of applause for Tom Curry for trooping through production in that and not quitting.

In conclusion, this film is a very cheesy rendition of light against darkness with a swing of romance in the mix as well. Over all, I have come to believe that it is a good film for anyone, but its a strange movie that might have a need for an acquired taste. Its essentially a fairy tail that was a bit heavy on the romantic atmosphere.

“One day you will be old enough to read fairy tales again.” – C.S Lewis

According to D. W. Griffith, “Movies are written in sand: applauded today, forgotten tomorrow.” If sand is an accurate symbol for a movie then how can some films, like Star Wars, be remembered over so many years while others be swept away with the tide. I was once curious to why such beautiful grains of sand could be swept away so easily. Also, who says they can’t be brought back to shore. I will be writing on the ones I have seen and I believe should be returned to the surface and why, perhaps, were they cast out.

Well, the first grain of sand I am going to bring to shore is a 1986 fantasy film by Jim Henson, called “Labyrinth.” A short summary is that this is a film about a teenage girl, Sarah, who, after being left home to babysit her baby brother, wished for her brother to be taken by the Goblin King. With a condense time limit, Sarah must traverse to the center of the puzzle, riddle, and illusion filled labyrinth to get her young sibling back before he is turned into a goblin. I know right, some plot, aye.

Let’s be honest here folks, any good story has to have some sort of concept that the protagonist has to either go through or develop within themselves as the story progresses. This makes the story worth telling. Imagine if in “Star Wars,” Luke stayed on Tatooine because going to space would be too difficult. There would be no story. The Empire would still exist and once again NO STORY. In that similar theme, Sarah, the protagonist, has to go through riddles, a constantly changing maze, realizing for herself that one shouldn’t take things for granted and whether or not to trust someone. She made unlikely friends of all shapes, sizes, and species throughout her venture to the unknown. Some of which are Hoggle, the merchant that wants to help dear Sarah but is being controlled by the monarch of the land; Ludo, the friendly beast; Sir Didymus, the fox-like bridge guard; and Ambrosius, the sheep dog steed of Sir Didymus. These people help Sarah figure out the maze and help her get to the center to fight the King. Their last line to Sarah was “If you would need us.” That shows the dedication and how much they care about the person they just met. Not all heroes wear capes, folks.

Now, that the ‘serious’ portion of the post is done, let me just say as a musical lover, a band member, and choir singer; the music in this film is on POINT. All the songs featured in the movie was written by Ziggy Stardust himself (for those youngsters out there, Ziggy Stardust is David Bowie👍. Okay, you can continue now, I apologize for the interruption). I wouldn’t necessarily say this is a musical, but there is certainly a couple beauties entangled throughout the plot to help the story along. My personal favorite songs featured are Magic Dance and As the World Falls Down. Other than those there are a few others like Chilly Down, Within You,and Underground.

With everything I mentioned above that makes this movie a classic in my heart, but there is a reason no one knows of it. I must be fair about it, even though I love this movie, it does have some rough parts. Some being hinted in the title of this post, the Bulge King. That is a nickname I have dubbed the Goblin King. I am pretty confident that you can figure out why I called him that, but if you haven’t connected the dots just yet, I would like to diverge your attention to the picture the the left of this text. It was a big controversy because the parents, naturally, did not want their children seeing anything that what ever deity you pray to or the universe, if your an atheist, would not approve of. I dug into the long lost special features and the bulge was intentional. I repeat, the BULGE WAS INTENTIONAL! I guess, the entire costume of the Goblin King was a mixture of a knight and a rock star. Basically, what was said on the feature, the costume design was to entice young girls into watching, so I guess that equals what ever animal was living in David Bowie’s leggings. I believed it worked because my sister was obsessed with this movie since she first laid eyes on his majesty, the Bulge King.

Besides the protruding issue stated above, no pun intended, there was an issue concerning Sarah. She was about fourteen years old in this film; along with the actress. Let that sink in, she was fourteen, basically just finding out what middle school is and now she is running around in a giant maze. Mind you the first draft of the script, made the Goblin King and Sarah kiss. One participate a immortal Faye/ fairy man and the other is a fourteen year old girl. Thankfully it was cut but just the idea of that makes me cringe, but there is still a hint of some sort of tention throughout the movie. But I must say Jennifer Connelly, she played Sarah I kinda forgot to mention that, looks a lot older for some reason. She looks like she is eighteen or nineteen, but still, no.

Now, I must say with all the information I have brought to the table, I still think it would be a great movie for families to watch. I know there are some very rough stuff that either happen before production or the small details called age, but the overall story is a good idea. As I toss the bead of sand back into the ocean, I ponder that maybe one day, Labyrinth can be remastered and be done where there is no romantic ties to a fourteen year old from an older man and where there is not a small raccoon stuck in between the Goblin King’s legs. That could be a good start to a hopeful new start. Perhaps, the Goblin King could be wished back, one last time.